Empathy
Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. There is great concern that our children are no longer living in a world that teaches empathy. Our children interact differently than we did. Technology has opened up the world for better or worse. Technology allows children to interact without looking each other in the eye or even hearing their voices. Feelings do not come across. IRL (in real life) interactions can be nonexistent and most certainly would be different than over social media. It is much easier to say something nasty over text or Snapchat than to a person’s face.
It is our job as parents to help our children learn empathy – to help them understand the feelings of another -for example the child who wasn’t invited to the party. Will posting that picture of the party make other children in your class feel left out and sad? It is exponentially easier to be the one included, than the one left out. “Our job is to teach our children to get out of their own heads,” said Richard Weissbourd, Ed.D.(1), keynote speaker at a recent FCIS conference. Richard went on to say, teach them to “think about how certain situations may feel to someone else. Empathy is all about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. If we can accomplish this, then we have raised better adults, better spouses - better people.”
Some suggestions to assist with teaching empathy:
Delay the use of social media
Social media not only causes anxiety for our children, it also can cause FOMO (fear of missing out) for all ages - children to adults. It is a known fact that the makers of these products - Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Google - do not allow their own children, nieces / nephews to use them.(2) Today there is so much that can go wrong. School policies allow administrators to look at your child’s phone when there are reports of bullying, vaping, drugs and so much more. At an alarmingly young age, children are sharing inappropriate photos of themselves. If your child receives an inappropriate photo and has shared it with anyone, it is a crime and the police will be asked to investigate. At most schools these offenses are suspensions at the least and expulsion in many cases. I say this to alarm you. If your child is given access to all of this at a young age, they are instantly opened up to a world that they may not be equipped to handle. Mistakes in this realm have real consequences.Are your children learning empathy in school?
Many schools are incorporating “kindness curriculum” even as early as preschool and study results show marked improvement over the control group, which was more selfish over time.(3) At St Mark’s Episcopal School in Ft Lauderdale, PK2 / PK3 classes are teaching mindfulness and calming techniques through yoga and breathing. These are life skills that can help a child through anxiety and stress to find comfort and peace. Character building and discussion of moral dilemmas are also a part of the curriculum which helps middle school students talk through issues that face society today. Dr. Spence Taintor, Head of School, knows what lack of empathy could mean for the future, so “we are committed to developing the whole child through social - emotional support. Teaching empathy is part of the core values of our school.”Count to 10 or wait until the next day before responding over text, email or a debate on social media
This is something we should all do no matter what age. I can admit to wishing I could pull back an angry email or text. As I hear that “woosh” sound, letting me know it has left my outbox, my heart drops. Maybe I should have taken a beat before hitting send? Now put yourself in the shoes of your child. If we, as adults, don’t always have good judgment, what can we expect from a child? Group chats can get out of hand quickly. Children think it’s cool to chime in, even funny, unless you are the child on the receiving end. No doubt less of this would happen IRL (in real life). Bullying has always existed, but in the past, it wasn’t instantly in your face. The child who isn’t at the birthday party knows the minute the party starts through Snapchat posts. Teach your son or daughter to put down the phone and walk away from the group chat before responding. Ask them to consider “how would I feel if that were me?” This self check can avoid your child being a part of something they may regret later.Help your child express their empathy
“The 3 Pillar’s of Empathy are Self Awareness, Peer Awareness and taking action” says Natalie Egan as quoted in the book, “The Future of Feeling.”(3) Volunteering, writing a letter to a congressman, giving a meal to a homeless person, sending a care package to a soldier, sitting next to a child who sits alone at lunch. Our lives are flooded with images and causes; opportunities to be moved to action. If your child opens up about an issue, give them the tools to put empathy into action. When we allow ourselves to feel and take action, the world is a better place.Nothing beats actual interactions
Do not let technology be a replacement for human interaction. There is a cool parenting app available, MUSE, a digital enrichment tool. Muse nudges parents every night with activity suggestions. For example - Muse might tell a mom of a son to have a paper airplane contest. “Let them win a few times”, Muse says, “but not every time - he needs to learn how to stay motivated, but also that he can’t always get what he wants.”(5) Suggested activities are supported by research. As you complete activities you can post photos and share stories, which then creates a more personalized experience for your child. This is an example of technology being used for good and ironically gives parents and children ideas to put down the phone, tablet or computer and bond.
Our world is ever-changing. If we can help our children by modeling empathy, teach them to remove themselves from environments that may be hurtful to others and surround them with families and friends that also see the importance of these values, one of our most human qualities - empathy - does not have to change.
(1)- Richard Weissbourd, Ed.D., Senior Lecturer & Director of Making Caring Common, Harvard Graduate School of Education
(2)-Chapter 2 Pg 57
(3)- The Future of Feeling: Building Empathy in a Tech-Obsessed World, Kaitlin Ugolik Phillips –Chapter 2 pg 45
(4)-The Future of Feeling: Building Empathy in a Tech-Obsessed World, Kaitlin Ugolik Phillips – chapter 5 pg 107
(5)- Pg 150 Chapter 7
Laura Minor, is mother of 3 boys, community volunteer and most recently, Director of Admissions and Financial Aid at St. Mark’s Episcopal Church and School in Fort Lauderdale.